Happy birthday son. I love you so much.
“If one loves a rose for its petals, then hates the poor flower for its thorns, then that’s no sort of love at all.” – Jack Snipe
And I won’t cry for yesterday.
There’s an ordinary world, somehow I have to find.
Happy birthday, my bug. I love you.
So steer a course
A course for nowhere
And drop the anchor
My little empire
I’m going nowhere.
I am aware.
I am aware of space, of distance between free-floating bodies, and of the subtle attraction between them which guides them into proximity. There was no time before now; just a dimly-remembered white flash as I came into my awareness. Birth, or perhaps creation – I cannot say.
I am aware of time, of moments passing from one to the next, and of cause and effect. Vibrations merge, matter and energy coalesce and react, and primal states change. This is the nature of my awareness – self-interaction – but I cannot separate space from time and maintain this cohesive awareness.
I am aware of scale and structure, of fine detail both great and small, and of the delicate balance between them. Complex fractal dimensions play out within me, and I am aware of each as they interact. This is important, but I do not – cannot – understand why.
I am aware of life, of the diversity of forms at all scales, and of the struggle inherent to existence. Joy and suffering fill me as a spectrum of experience that encompasses all that I am. I am born, I live, and I die, only to be reborn into new forms, new configurations. I learn, and my experience transcends each life through word, song, and example. It seems senseless, but this reflects my limited understanding.
I am aware of awareness, and I am aware that I am aware. There is a deeply recursive paradox here, and this paradox troubles me. I have questions about myself – an infinity of questions – that cannot be answered. All I know is what I am – what comes before or after are and will forever be mystery.
A friend of mine on Facebook posted a short article on something called ‘Mindfulness Meditation,’ which is a form of meditation through which you can train yourself to observe your thoughts without becoming lost in them.
The article resonated with me strongly. Especially the part about meditation being simple, but not easy. Thinking a thought, but letting it go instead of allowing it to distract or control me, has been something I’ve struggled with my entire life. I still struggle, although it’s gotten easier since I started meditating – and even then I sometimes find myself drifting away into my thoughts. Especially when I’m tired.
But sometimes, when my mind is sharp, I can close my eyes and observe my thoughts as they occur, then set them aside. In between my thoughts is just… a silence I did not know existed before.
I used to struggle with boredom. One of the curses of ADHD I guess. When I had nothing to do I would find myself almost aching for distraction. Long lines, long car rides, etc., were truly torturous. Since I figured out how to meditate, though, I pretty much never get bored. I’ve waited hours at the DMV, been on cross-country plane rides for work, waited in doctors offices, and other situations where I had nothing to do and nothing to distract myself with. When I find myself in such a state, I meditate, and just… calmly allow the time to pass.
If a thought that I find myself interested in appears, I’ll follow it for a while, but mostly I let them go. I find myself enjoying the silence, for the first time in my life. It helps me to maintain the clarity of my thoughts, and to examine myself and my place in this universe without fear of what’s to come – even though what’s to come in my life is almost certainly going to be painful and difficult.
- 5 Signs Your Meditation is Working (alexiaisaak.com)