I’m scared about surgery.
There. I’ll get that one out of the way quick and easy. Just state it out in the open and there it is. I’m scared about surgery. Of course I know that hernia repair is a quick process, an outpatient procedure, quite routine, and perfectly within the capabilities of modern surgeons to perform. I know. I’ve even seen a laproscopic hernia repair surgery on TV, thanks to the Health Channel. So I know.
But I’m scared anyway.
I just spent about 45 seconds trying to justify why I’m scared, when I realized there’s no justification. It’s fear of the unknown, pure and simple. I’ve been going through a lot of that lately – especially now with the hernia. I’ve felt a lot of things happening with my body that I’ve never experienced before, and it’s a lot like sensory overload, especially when I’m stressed outside that source. Which is the health reason why I left home Sunday night to stay at my mom’s house – too chaotic, too much going on.
I don’t want to be scared. It manifests in anxiety, and my heart rate rises, I talk fast, stammer, and get kinda jumpy, prone to panic. It sucks, seriously. I had to slow myself down several times while talking to my doctor today – I kept talking too fast.
Part of the problem is that the decision to have this surgery is all on me. My doctor told me that if I can live with it, and it doesn’t cause a great deal of pain or discomfort when doing normal things, then I can probably get by without surgery. Otherwise, if I’m constantly worrying about hurting, or if I find myself wiped out at the end of a normal day (or before the end), then I probably should get the surgery.
After coming home from being out, and feeling the way I currently feel – which is not normal; my guts are sore from the activity and from eating, and it was difficult to pee earlier because I was worried about relaxing those muscles – then I do need the surgery.
I wish I had just been told “Yep, you definitely need the surgery, we’re going to schedule it right away” – with no choices to be made – I’d probably be less anxious about this. Because then if there are complications, I can be like “Well it can’t be helped, I needed the surgery and will just have to live with it.” But if it’s my decision, and I decide to do the surgery, I can’t say that. I just get to say
What, exactly? It still can’t be helped, and I still have to live with it, even if I decided to do it in the first place. I wouldn’t do this frivolously – I do trust myself to know whether I could get over this or not. As scared of surgery I am in the first place, I’m going to make damned sure I feel right about it before I choose to do it.
Sigh. I think I’m right. I think I should get the surgery. I did only light walking, rode in a car for a bit, and ate. I was examined, and that included some vigorous pressing on the area – but it shouldn’t be as sore after the pressing she did as it is currently. It’s been 5 days since the hospital trip – what’s the usual recovery time without surgery with these things? Should I be feeling much better by now, or not? I don’t really know.
And that’s why I’m talking to the surgeon some time after Thursday. I’ll let everyone know how that goes.