I’ve been feeling twinges of sadness these last several days, and I’m not really sure where it’s coming from. Every now and then I’ll be doing something, or nothing, and all of a sudden I feel my throat constrict slightly, tears just begin to well, and I feel sad for a few moments, no longer than 10 seconds or so. It’s always surprising, and nothing in general triggers it, and I always pull out of it with little effort.
It’s a little distressing, feeling these weird ‘burst sadnesses,’ because I wonder if it’s the meds causing this. Strange side effect, especially as it didn’t start until a few days ago. I have things to be sad about, of course, but they don’t usually bother me. For example, I’ve not been living at my home for more than a week now, and I miss my house, my family, and my extended family (that is, my friends). I’m also worried about my job, having taken so much time off without pay – that’s going to bite me this Friday when I get my paycheck – but I’m not really sad about that.
I also have my hernia and the upcoming surgery (scheduled for the 18th by the way), but I’m not sad about that either – I’m just worried about myself and a good deal scared about the surgery. There’s also the meds I’m taking. My 40mg Latuda dose failed spectacularly when we discovered my memory problems were worse on the increased amount – I’ve been back to 20mg since a week ago Friday.
Tasha indicated earlier last week that she didn’t really get any time to herself over the week I was gone – not surprising since there was an extra family living in the house that week. That was part of the plan – for me to leave so Ta could get some free time. I told her I’d stay an extra week at my mom’s so she could get that time, but with the surgery half a month away, and the fact that I’ll be going back to my mom’s for the rest of the week after the surgery, we decided I’d come back Wednesday. I’ll talk to her more about this today and see if she’s certain she wants this – I don’t want to push.
I have been through a lot these past couple of weeks. Maybe it’s just a combination of all the stress in me trying to bring me down. I’m not letting it, though – I’m staying positive as much as I can. I’m getting a lot of help at work to deal with that fallout. My finances, while not great, are currently stable at least until the end of the year (barring future complications). My relationship has been looking up – Ta and I are weathering our issues well, we’ve talked a bunch about expectations, behavior, and more. My kids are happy and healthy. My health will be improving very soon with this surgery, and in only a week or so afterwards I should be back to normal. Even though things aren’t going great, they’re not going poorly.
I think my recognition of that is progress.