Well it’s Monday, and the only thing I can think of right now is my impending surgery tomorrow.
Ugh. I hate anxiety, especially about something unavoidable. It’s frustrating, because it feels like there’s nothing I can do about it. Sure, the surgery is gonna happen – there’s little I can do about that if I want to have anything resembling a normal life – but this anxiety, man, it just won’t go away.
I had some of the worst pain of my life last night. It was gas + constipation, probably from overeating during Feast on Saturday night. I nearly vomited from the pain. I emptied the bathroom trashcan on the floor and put it in front of me just in case. I was able to will it back, but it was a close call.
I’m sick of living like this. I want to be able to be active again – I’ve lost so much weight, weight I’ve needed to lose, but I wanted to be able to put some of it back in muscle. That’s not happening, and people are taking notice. More than a couple people have used the word ‘gaunt’ to describe me – not a pleasant term. I’m not yet unhealthy in my weight, but if this keeps up for another month then I will be. I haven’t been eating nearly enough, because it hurts so much to digest food that I just tend to avoid it. And then when I do eat, my portions are maybe half what they used to be. I eat less than the kids do when they’re not growing.
But surgery is tomorrow. I’ll probably not be up to eating very much afterwards, for a few days at least, but I’ll get better. Soon there’ll come a day when I won’t even think about the fact that I had a hernia, and that I have artificial structures in my body keeping things together. I’m looking forward to that day.
But enough of that. More happened last week than this, and it’d be inaccurate of me to stop there. Last weekend was an event weekend, but rather than camp Friday night, we decided to come by Saturday morning as things got started. All in all the event was a success – we had a great time, and though I wasn’t fighting at all I did manage an okay performance as the event’s primary villain! Feast was delicious (a little too delicious I think), and the happenings at Court were very emotional. Dennis was granted his Knighthood, and Brandon began his tenure as Squire. I even won a couple of awards for my roleplay, and my grace under fire: one of the combat Knights didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to be attacked due to my injury, and he subdued me after meeting me. I wasn’t hurt of course, but it could have turned out badly had I taken offense. But I don’t take that anymore.
After Feast, I broke out the telescope for some light astronomy. I didn’t have much time to do more than check out Jupiter (beautiful as ever with all four Galilean moons shining brightly), the moon (which was so much clearer at Ghivhan’s than at home, wow), and to scan the sky a bit looking for M31, which I could not find. I had meant to bring a planisphere with me with which to do some constellation studying, but I had forgotten to print one from the office. Ah well – next time, right?
My right eye has been bothering me lately. A tiny blind spot developed just below my center of vision, and I don’t know what could have caused it. I looked around online for things that can cause blind spots, and the most likely causes are retinal detachment and burst blood vessels in the eye. I don’t seem to have the other symptoms of retinal detachment (which include bright flashes, shadows in the periphery, lots of floaters, or blurred vision), so that leaves me with burst blood vessels. My Vyvanse does increase my blood pressure and heart rate…
Once this hernia mess is taken care of, I’ll be able to see a doctor for this. It isn’t causing any trouble, and it hasn’t grown, and new ones haven’t developed, so I think I’ll be okay.
That’s pretty much the theme of this week’s Musings. I think I’ll be okay.