I made a lot of mistakes in Seattle.
I didn’t have a GPS phone when I first got there. I just had a Motorola Razor – nice phone, sure, but it’s no iPhone of course. I spent a great deal of time anxious about having to travel almost anywhere, afraid that I’d get lost and frustrated with no way to find my way back home. I even had Tasha, at least twice that I can remember, guide me to my location using Google Maps. She was like my own personal On-Star, and put up with a lot of shit from me – I get angry when I get frustrated, and I took that out on her.
I should have been able to do this on my own. I researched routes ahead of time, via Google Maps (as good as any atlas), but I’d inevitably get turned around – construction was a constant, signs were hard to read, traffic was high, and I was used to Charleston drivers. They’re a bit more aggressive out there. I don’t mention this as an excuse. There were difficulties but I should have been capable of overcoming all of them without freaking out on the phone.
I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about this so much. I just feel like I should have been more capable of living out there, and making things work, making my family happy, making us go and experience things. The more I think about it the worse I feel. I allowed my baggage and my unwillingness to cope with hardship rob my family of the experiences they could have had if we had just explored the world a bit.