Well it’s Monday again. Not a whole lot to say, really. It’s been half a month since my last post, and I haven’t really been feeling very prolific. That’s all.
I hung out with Dévo on Saturday, pretty much all day. We talked music most of the day, and did a lot of nothing. =P He badly wants me to get a set of bongos to play with, and I’d like to – but the idea of playing an instrument around other people makes me nervous.
Stage fright, I guess? I don’t know. Anxiety is what it feels like, and this is pretty much the only source of social anxiety I have left. Speaking my mind in front of people isn’t an issue anymore. I no longer feel awkward in small groups of people. I think I could actually enjoy myself at a party like this, and that’s saying something.
But performing in any capacity… I don’t know.
Tasha thinks part of the problem is that I don’t want to be a newbie. She’s partly right: I don’t want to be a newbie in front of other people. I am very uncomfortable when I’m out of my element, and it can be hard enough for me to try new things even on my own. But when there are people paying attention, anxiety piles on and makes it that much worse.
It’s a feedback loop, too – the more anxious I get, the more aware of it I become, and the more it affects whatever I’m doing – which makes me more self-conscious about it, and thus more anxious……… Agh.
Dévo thinks I’ll get over all that after playing a few sessions with him. I appreciate his confidence, but I don’t know if I share his optimism in my abilities. I’m going to give it a try, either way, and see how it goes.
Paradoxically given my anxiety about it, playing an instrument has been something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I’m naturally inclined towards percussion, I think – when I listen to music I instantly find the drum track and tap along. It does something for me, to follow a beat like that, but it feels even better when I generate it myself – something I can really only do when I’m alone.
I think the lesson here is that I can’t rely on a drug to do my work for me – I’m going to have to push through what anxiety I have left if I’m ever going to leave it behind. Latuda helps, for sure – every time I’m in a situation in which I feel like I should be anxious, but I’m not, I feel relief. Increasingly lately I haven’t even had this feeling – it’s become normal for me to be fine with just speaking.