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Category Archives: Personal Development

Mindfulness

A friend of mine on Facebook posted a short article on something called ‘Mindfulness Meditation,’ which is a form of meditation through which you can train yourself to observe your thoughts without becoming lost in them.

The article resonated with me strongly. Especially the part about meditation being simple, but not easy. Thinking a thought, but letting it go instead of allowing it to distract or control me, has been something I’ve struggled with my entire life. I still struggle, although it’s gotten easier since I started meditating – and even then I sometimes find myself drifting away into my thoughts. Especially when I’m tired.

But sometimes, when my mind is sharp, I can close my eyes and observe my thoughts as they occur, then set them aside. In between my thoughts is just… a silence I did not know existed before.

I used to struggle with boredom. One of the curses of ADHD I guess. When I had nothing to do I would find myself almost aching for distraction. Long lines, long car rides, etc., were truly torturous. Since I figured out how to meditate, though, I pretty much never get bored. I’ve waited hours at the DMV, been on cross-country plane rides for work, waited in doctors offices, and other situations where I had nothing to do and nothing to distract myself with. When I find myself in such a state, I meditate, and just… calmly allow the time to pass.

If a thought that I find myself interested in appears, I’ll follow it for a while, but mostly I let them go. I find myself enjoying the silence, for the first time in my life. It helps me to maintain the clarity of my thoughts, and to examine myself and my place in this universe without fear of what’s to come – even though what’s to come in my life is almost certainly going to be painful and difficult.

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Posted by on July 28, 2013 in Personal Development, Philosophy

 

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Time for another meds update!

It’s been almost a month since my last post, and I’ve got some rather striking changes to report with regards to my medication and how it’s affecting me.

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Posted by on May 15, 2012 in Personal Development

 

New meds!

Today is my second day on a new medication I’ve been prescribed called Luvox (I’m on a quarter dose, so 25mg). It’s a psychotropic (mood-altering) SSRI medication designed to treat depression, social anxiety, and similar disorders.

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Posted by on April 13, 2012 in Personal Development

 

More medical worries

I’m worried about my body again. Sigh. I have reasons to think my hernia is recurring despite the surgery, and also reasons to think it’s not recurring. The number of reasons for each balances the other out, so I don’t know what to think.

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Posted by on October 26, 2011 in Personal Development

 

Tics

A tic is not a blood-sucking parasite, but rather an involuntary muscle movement or vocalization. They are repetitive in nature, typically without any rhythm, and range in severity from incredibly minor to extreme. ADHD medication like Vyvanse list tics as potential side effects, and I can say that I’ve been affected with a pair of mild tics.

One thing I do is clench my teeth involuntarily. I can stop myself if I’m thinking about it, but I can only keep this up for so long when I’m doing anything brain-heavy (like working). It’s not constant – rather, I alternate the sides of my mouth – clench left, clench right – at about one cycle per second.

Linked to the teeth-clenching tic is another one; I flex the muscles that bring my toes together, in time with my teeth-clenching. One foot, then the other, at the same rate, although the order is flipped. If I clench on the left side of my jaw, then I’m flexing with the toes on the right foot, and back again.

I don’t always manifest these tics at the same time. The clenching happens less often than the toe flexing, but I think this is because the clenching is more noticeable to me.

Neither of these tics were present before I started the Vyvanse, but both of these remained when I was off the Vyvanse during my surgery recovery week. Maybe a week isn’t long enough to get the Vyvanse out of my system – my experience so far today (with my return to Vyvanse having not caused the other side effects I anticipated) seems to bear that out. I don’t know whether the tics were lessened at all – I simply wasn’t paying attention.

That’s another possibility I hadn’t really considered until now – I may well have had these tics for far longer than the Vyvanse, but now I’m paying attention. Tasha does the toe flexing thing while she sleeps, and she says she didn’t start doing that until her relationship with Brandon, who does the same thing. Maybe tics are contagious?

I have had a clenching problem for a long time. I have a bad TMJ disorder that we believe was caused by clenching. It was never like this though – alternating side to side. That’s new, and strange enough to warrant my interest. I should probably discuss this with Dr. Fermo.

 
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Posted by on October 24, 2011 in Personal Development

 

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Seattle mistakes

I made a lot of mistakes in Seattle.

I didn’t have a GPS phone when I first got there. I just had a Motorola Razor – nice phone, sure, but it’s no iPhone of course. I spent a great deal of time anxious about having to travel almost anywhere, afraid that I’d get lost and frustrated with no way to find my way back home. I even had Tasha, at least twice that I can remember, guide me to my location using Google Maps. She was like my own personal On-Star, and put up with a lot of shit from me – I get angry when I get frustrated, and I took that out on her.

I should have been able to do this on my own. I researched routes ahead of time, via Google Maps (as good as any atlas), but I’d inevitably get turned around – construction was a constant, signs were hard to read, traffic was high, and I was used to Charleston drivers. They’re a bit more aggressive out there. I don’t mention this as an excuse. There were difficulties but I should have been capable of overcoming all of them without freaking out on the phone.

I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about this so much. I just feel like I should have been more capable of living out there, and making things work, making my family happy, making us go and experience things. The more I think about it the worse I feel. I allowed my baggage and my unwillingness to cope with hardship rob my family of the experiences they could have had if we had just explored the world a bit.

 
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Posted by on October 24, 2011 in Personal Development

 

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Some sadness lately

I’ve been feeling twinges of sadness these last several days, and I’m not really sure where it’s coming from. Every now and then I’ll be doing something, or nothing, and all of a sudden I feel my throat constrict slightly, tears just begin to well, and I feel sad for a few moments, no longer than 10 seconds or so. It’s always surprising, and nothing in general triggers it, and I always pull out of it with little effort.

It’s a little distressing, feeling these weird ‘burst sadnesses,’ because I wonder if it’s the meds causing this. Strange side effect, especially as it didn’t start until a few days ago. I have things to be sad about, of course, but they don’t usually bother me. For example, I’ve not been living at my home for more than a week now, and I miss my house, my family, and my extended family (that is, my friends). I’m also worried about my job, having taken so much time off without pay – that’s going to bite me this Friday when I get my paycheck – but I’m not really sad about that.

I also have my hernia and the upcoming surgery (scheduled for the 18th by the way), but I’m not sad about that either – I’m just worried about myself and a good deal scared about the surgery. There’s also the meds I’m taking. My 40mg Latuda dose failed spectacularly when we discovered my memory problems were worse on the increased amount – I’ve been back to 20mg since a week ago Friday.

Tasha indicated earlier last week that she didn’t really get any time to herself over the week I was gone – not surprising since there was an extra family living in the house that week. That was part of the plan – for me to leave so Ta could get some free time. I told her I’d stay an extra week at my mom’s so she could get that time, but with the surgery half a month away, and the fact that I’ll be going back to my mom’s for the rest of the week after the surgery, we decided I’d come back Wednesday. I’ll talk to her more about this today and see if she’s certain she wants this – I don’t want to push.

I have been through a lot these past couple of weeks. Maybe it’s just a combination of all the stress in me trying to bring me down. I’m not letting it, though – I’m staying positive as much as I can. I’m getting a lot of help at work to deal with that fallout. My finances, while not great, are currently stable at least until the end of the year (barring future complications). My relationship has been looking up – Ta and I are weathering our issues well, we’ve talked a bunch about expectations, behavior, and more. My kids are happy and healthy. My health will be improving very soon with this surgery, and in only a week or so afterwards I should be back to normal. Even though things aren’t going great, they’re not going poorly.

I think my recognition of that is progress.

 
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Posted by on October 4, 2011 in Personal Development

 

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